The Real Housewives of Lutherville

The Real Housewives of Lutherville

By Bernadette A. Moyer

This blog is inspired by the “real housewives” series on Bravo television.  I occasionally find myself watching it and often in disbelief. My friends don’t act like that, they don’t sit around tearing up other friends. They really are supportive and uplifting. I know people talk but I think when you come from an area that is close to so many other cities, your friends have many other friends to choose from and therefore value the friendships.

I wouldn’t stay part of a group of women that were so catty and destructive toward other women and certainly not in the name of friendship.  Men don’t do things like some women do, they don’t spend their days trying to hurt others or as I heard on one “housewives” show “bring them down”  who does that? My theory is that you find it in small towns and small social groups where there is competition because there aren’t so many choices. It is kind of like family, you tolerate it because you feel you must.

Lutherville Maryland is located just north of Baltimore City and about a 15 minute drive away. The demographics summary is 6,475 people and is the 169th most populated city in the state of Maryland which has 508 cities. The largest Lutherville racial/ethnic groups are White (85.3%) followed by Asian (8.2%) and Hispanic (2.2%) and according to the 2012 stats the median household income for Lutherville residents was $80,027 with the median age of 43.4 years young.

Lutherville is located in Baltimore County and shares the same zip code as Timonium Maryland. Like most American cities the residents are proud and cite the excellent private schools, colleges and hospitals as part of their rationale for becoming a resident. Johns Hopkins hospital and Johns Hopkins University along with Notre Dame University, Loyola College and Towson University are a short drive.

Maryland is known as “America in Miniature” from horse farms to the Chesapeake Bay, Marylanders feel that they have it all.

We have resided in Lutherville for over 22 years now, last year we thought we sold our house and moved into our beach property in Delaware. It was a dream of my husband and having served for 34 years as a Civil Servant for Baltimore City, it was his time. Little did we know that the contract on our house would fall through and that after being away we would come home with a new vision of what we had and with fresh new appreciation. We always knew we were blessed.

I was born and raised in a small town in Pennsylvania and always appreciated it for what it was, but once I got a taste of the city, it was hard to go back to small town living. As a teenager we had our farm and also a house in Allentown, PA. Allentown always seemed so much more exciting to me, there was more to do, more people and more energy.

Yet I always had an affection for Small Town, America. It seems like people in small towns try harder and aspire to be their best, it also seems like small towns are where everyone knows your business or wants to know it. I hear from my high school friends who still live in the same small town and they dream of getting away.  

Recently I found myself working in a small town and I absolutely loved it and fell in love with its charm and character. I got to know many of the key players up close and personal, I made friendships that are sure to last a lifetime. But I also witnessed that same “real housewives” back biting that I viewed on TV there. Women who professed to be “best friends” and yet openly talked about the town scandals and who had an affair all the while reporting that they were “best friends” newsflash, best friends don’t do that! I didn’t think any less of the couple reported to have had “marriage problems” and an affair, it happens but it certainly made me think less of the self-professed “best friend” who seemed to enjoy reporting on it and all the details. When I think about it, it really was about how she saw herself as the “savior” and appointed to help fix her friends marriage.

I can honestly say that I don’t know who if anyone and I guess someone is probably “having an affair” that lives in Lutherville, I don’t know, I don’t care and I certainly would not be running around and telling others about it. It is not my business.

In this small town and in open meetings I witnessed the “housewives” who would talk about their neighbors and then go off as though they were the best of friends. One lady made snarky comments about a fellow board member and how “her dogs are dirty and never properly groomed” and yet she was the same woman that was the first to volunteer her neighbor/friend for a new job! In a large group of people she called her a “quitter” and made numerous negative unsolicited comments about her so called “friend.” Again it was shocking! It didn’t make me think less of the lady with the dogs but rather the one who felt compelled to openly report on it. Petty, immature and very high school ish, do women actually think it makes them look good to downgrade other women?  It doesn’t!  

I can hear my grandmother with one of her favorite lines, “familiarity breeds contempt.  Translation the better we know people the more likely we are to find fault with them. My grandmother was also the one who often said, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

So whether you come from a small town or a large city, the best housewives might not look like the reality TV shows, but should check yourself, questions like, am I saying things that are uplifting and helpful or am I trying to “bring down” my friend and neighbor?

What we say and what we do reflects on who we are, look closely at the person speaking ill of their neighbor and friend and you can see past their words and a snapshot into their character and how insecure they really are, that they have a need to gossip and say nasty things about others and all in the name of “friendship.” NOPE you can’t do that to me and still remain friends!  I have many friends and we don’t hurt each other with our words or with our actions.

I am a Real Housewife of Lutherville and I am proud to know so many other real housewives just like me. We are proud of our friends and our neighbors and we speak well of them, because we know that by making them look good we make ourselves look good.

And remember, what we say doesn’t fall on deaf ears and like my grandmother so often stated, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”

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Get Married!

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Get Married!

By Bernadette A. Moyer

I love being married! I love it that I am a wedding officiant and that I legally perform weddings, I always feel honored to do so. Marriage is a union of two people that decide to make a life together. They support one another through the ups and downs of life.

“Marriage is a conservative principle.” Ted Olsen

Many people were surprised when Super lawyers David Boies and Ted Olsen came together in support of gay marriage. These guys teamed up and took on same sex marriage as a “civil right.” And they took that argument all the way to the Supreme Court and won.

David Boies and Ted Olsen were known as one Democratic super lawyer and one Republican super lawyer who teamed up to overturn Proposition 8, California’s ban on same sex marriage. In 2000 they faced off in Bush v. Gore which basically decided the Presidential election.

Not that long ago Pope Francis went on record as saying, “it’s not my place to judge” he stated this in regard to same sex relationships.  But this blog isn’t about “gay marriage” it is about all “marriage.” What makes a marriage important? What makes it respected or worthy? Why marry?

Mental health advocates have studied marriage and determined that married couples live longer and live happier lives if in fact it is a healthy union of two people.  We all know couples that tried marriage and it didn’t work for them, maybe it wasn’t the right partner or maybe it was bad timing.

In a few weeks I will personally celebrate my 17th wedding anniversary. We have been a couple for the past 22 years. We had our share of trials and tribulations, we didn’t always see eye to eye. Some of the most challenging years were the ones when we actively parented three children together.

The past few years have been some of the happiest as were the first few years. The first years were happy because we were so thankful to have found one-another after being young and widowed. We also had a clean slate between us.  But as most couples in a long term marriage know, there can be “stuff” that comes between you.

If I had to single out one thing that I learned in my marriage was that I didn’t need to be right or to win. If I needed be the “winner” then my husband would have to be the “loser” and why on earth would I ever want the man that I married and love to be a loser? I don’t. I don’t fight at all anymore. Nothing is worth it to me. I don’t like how fighting feels so I just don’t do it. When things get heated I remove myself. When things calm down I go about trying to have the necessary dialogue. It seems to work for us!

Living with a life partner will require you to adjust and adapt and to learn and grow. Being single allows you to be selfish, you can do what you want to do when you want to do it. Being married means thinking as a team, what is best for both partners not just one single person.

We’ve heard it all singles that want to remain single or singles that want to find their life partner. Married couples that are happy and those that are unhappy. Couples living together and others separated and divorcing. There is no “one size fits all” model for making a marriage work.

It takes a long time to get to know someone, often it takes years to fully appreciate how they are wired. The best part of having been with my husband for over two decades now is that we really know one another now. We’ve had the fights, the disagreements, the pulling apart and the coming together. We know that for us, our best life is together. We still appreciate each other and we still really like each other.  We enjoy each other’s company.  

Marriage may not be for everyone, but when you find the right one, you know that getting married is natural and you just can’t imagine your life any other way. It takes time, it takes trials and tribulations, a sense in your heart and your soul that this is the person I am supposed to live my life with. And once you have found the right person you know that instinctively you must get married!

Happy Anniversary Brian I have more love and acceptance for you today than ever before!

 

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  • 2 days ago

Jealousy and Envy

Jealousy and Envy

By Bernadette A. Moyer

“Jealousy is defined as resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, or against another’s success or advantage itself and mental uneasiness from fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness. It is also defined as vigilance in guarding something.” Dictionary.com

“Envy is defined as a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions etc.”  Dictionary.com Envy is one of the seven deadly sins according to Christian views.

My own view is that jealousy or envy is an indicator that you aren’t living your life the way you should be living it, because if you were there would be no need for any jealousy or envy. There is not a single person alive or dead that I have any jealousy or envy toward or about, my life isn’t supposed to look like someone else’s life, it is supposed to look like my own unique life. Your life is supposed to look like you, which is why it’s called your life.

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” Bette Midler

If you want that relationship, that house, that car, that life then create it, create your life the way that you want it to be, you have that choice.

A few decades ago, I invited a girlfriend to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving, we worked together that day and although the day was almost over, she did in fact join me.  On this occasion she had an opportunity to meet my family and see our family dynamic. As we were about to drive out of the driveway, she said, “Your sisters are all jealous of you.” That never occurred to me until she said that. They always acted like they were better than me, often targeting me with nasty comments like, “Bernadette Cycle 3 for the overweight dog!” or “You are just like dad, why don’t you go live with him.”

Recently another friend accused one of my friends of being jealous of me. That statement doesn’t make me feel good; and if true it actually makes me sad for them. I think everyone who is doing what they should be doing in their own life, has no reason for jealousy over someone else’s life.

When people say to me, “You are so lucky, you have a great husband.” “You are so lucky to have twins.” “You are so lucky to have a house.” Or this or that, and I think to myself, luck has nothing to do with it, but hard work and being responsible does.

Yes I have a great husband, our relationship and our marriage is work, it doesn’t just happen. And it is not always easy. Raising twins was work, raising any child is a huge amount of work as is maintaining a home. Everything we have comes with work and with responsibilities.

Every once in a while I look at luxury cars, a white BMW convertible, we could afford it and I could go get one if I really wanted it. But then I think about the payments and the upkeep and I think do I really want that car? Do I need to have it? When I see them on the road I appreciate their beauty but I’m not jealous or envious of the person who owns it? 

When someone else is having success, I always think to myself, good for them, now it is one more time closer to my turn. There isn’t anything that anybody else has that I want that I couldn’t go get or make for myself and it I can’t then I accept that it isn’t meant for me. That my life isn’t supposed to look like that, it is supposed to look like my life not theirs.

“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”  J.R. Ward

When we create the life that we want to live, the life that we were meant to live, there is no reason for jealousy or for envy.

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